Not a single day goes by where I don't think of my dad, how much I miss him and wish he was here to experience all of the things in my life along with me. I also don't have a day that goes by that I don't think about his last day on Earth and how he suffered. I literally still get sick thinking about it, and try to let it go, but I can't (not yet).
The last time I saw my dad was when we went out to dinner for my brother's birthday (which was yesterday by the way) and than I talked to him a lot after that. I didn't see him after because I went to Colorado for Dakota's heart surgery. I talked to my dad a lot during that time because he paid for Dakota's surgery (and yes I still owe them the money for it) and I was pregnant, sick, and not wanting to be there. He kept me calm during that time. I talked to my dad when we got back, but it was Sunday and I had to be to work the next day so I didn't go over there on the weekend like usual.
I talked to my dad on 4/19 (the day he passed away) and the conversation and that day will live forever in my mind and my heart. I will never forget telling him that he sounded like sh*t and that he should go lay down because he was sick and he wasn't sleeping well. He told me that he would probably go lay down that afternoon and try to get some rest before my mom got home. I told him I loved him and to get better soon. The next thing I know, it is just after 6pm and Corey and I are leaving Walmart (grocery shopping for the week) and my mom is on the phone in tears saying that my dad isn't breathing and it isn't good and I need to go to Alta View Hospital. She said not to rush that it was okay to go home and put groceries away. I told my mom that it would be okay and I would be there soon. I cried hysterically all the way home, threw the food in the fridge as fast as I could and Corey and I got to the hospital. When I finally saw my mom and my dad, I could tell that my dad had already passed away. My mom was in hysterics and holding onto him. I continued crying hysterically and gripping onto my dads shirt and sitting on the floor of the ER. I guess they tried to revive him, but it was too late. Thinking that my dad suffered since he couldn't breath on his back is the worst part. Also, knowing that he got rid of his medical alert watch makes me angry. I also am still angry that he was able to call 911 and they showed up at the house, went through the backyard, and never tried to get inside. I am angry and sad still and I don't know how long it will take until I don't feel this way.
The only positive is that he is no longer in pain and that I know he is watching out for me. I know that he kept Jensen and I safe during my pregnancy and he kept Jensen safe during my c-section. I know that he watches out for my entire family so nothing bad will happen. I know that when I pass a class with an A that he is smiling down on me and would be telling me how proud of me he is for going back to school and not giving up no matter what - and getting good grades while doing it. My dad was also such a good reinforcer and was always there as my sound board and person I could go to for advice, especially financially. He wanted to make sure I had a plan and I wasn't in debt. He would do everything he could to help me have a good future. I know my dad would be beyond proud to know that we are making decisions and buying our first house as a family.
Daddy - I am sorry I don't visit you, but I don't believe you are there. I believe that you are in my heart and always with me where ever I go. I love days when the sun is shining - I feel it is you telling me that you are happy and doing okay. Let the sun shine, Dad! I miss you and love you very much!
No comments:
Post a Comment