The best man in the entire world (also known as my father) past away on Tuesday April 19th. It was a shock to us all and I am not sure if that feeling will ever go away. I can say that I am blessed I got to speak with him that afternoon and tell him I loved him. His services on Friday and Saturday were beautiful and somehow I got the courage to get up and say how much he loved my mom. It is still a shock and I am living in a fog. I don't know if it will ever feel real that my dad is no longer with us and is spending the rest of his days in Heaven. I am thankful that he is no longer in pain and he has been reunited with his mom and Manny. I am sure they are having a blast in Heaven and my dad is finally able to run and do the things that have been limited a lot of his life. I am sure he is up there building jigsaw puzzles like he did every day and ordering things on Amazon.
I haven't been to work since Tuesday night and I feel I will never be ready to go back. Being really busy sounds good, but the fear of speaking with people keeps me from going back. I probably will try to go to work on Thursday this week. Today (Monday) I stayed home. I slept in and then went to lunch with Anja. I cancelled appointments I didn't want to go to this week and I scheduled others. I called a therapist and am waiting to hear back. I figured it would be good for me to speak to someone about how I feel my dad suffered on his last day with us. If it wasn't for feeling like he suffered I would be doing a lot better than I am right now. Being pregnant through all of this isn't easy either. I can't take (or drink) anything to numb the pain and I try not to stress or cry too much for fear that something bad would happen to my baby. I am sure my dad had that as a plan - he wanted me to have this baby and he wants me to get through this without taking anything. After I talk with someone who isn't related to me I feel I will be at peace with a lot of things. Now I just have to patiently wait for a call back.
I love you so much daddy and I pray that you are running in Heaven!
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